I lost my confidence and respect to my self when i give my second change to the man i expected that he is a gift from God. sometime my belief make me hard to decide what is the best for me. 
Looking backward to my past, i sleep good and  i look at my self very smart, respectful, a woman that lucky in my careerand never have sex to any man, no bf since 5 years is hard to believe, I am full of confidence every man wanted to be with me but i can say sorry im not planning to go have bf, after all years convincing my self that im not getting younger so i need to give change to my self and stop torturing my self, I meet this man who i think he is a Gift from God all I think he is amazing he trusted me cos he send money for land and im presume that he is a lawyer he know all of the policy of the  country, I look at him too high and never notice if he is really a good man and deserving for me. Im so prouve to my self cos  I know Im in 1% in 1 million woman so I know i deserve for a good man but now its turn into hill my life, and make me dust, I lost my respect to my self and all confidence. God I know your watching me, You know that since July i don't go to work cos i already focus my self in the land that this man buy, I presume and start dreaming a new family so eager and even too hard to go back in farming i just get all my inspiration cos i have goal to have a lifetime  family with the blessings from my parents and from church.
Now, I'm asking my self do i need to accept the disaster and make me disrespect my own self, things  that i know i just forcing my self and just making things to work out even its against my will. I just dream simple life, with dignity and respect to my self and my son can be proved of me Im happy for this life already I realize better no man that to have man and make  sick and don't see me as human, I feel he is just using me cos he know im easy to please. Dear  God help me to get back in my old life. I don't need man and more money to be happy. I just need to get back  my respect to my self and confidence that i lost cos of this wrong change. Please God Help me to decide give me signed.